I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize