the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
