I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize