I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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