I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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