do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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