My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
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