Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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