Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm just crazy horny about you
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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