Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
