I am in a vortex of obligation.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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