I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
