the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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