Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
