his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
