Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
