Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
