Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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