I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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