the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
