dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
