And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
