Me too!
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
