??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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