my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
