OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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