I hate all girls vehemently.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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