i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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