i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
