It was confusing and full of hummus
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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