My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
