did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
