i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
