I think I won the penis lottery.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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