i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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