I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
