I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
