oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
