P.S. I can't hear my feet
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
