my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
