did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
