Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
