Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
