I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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