I can't watch pbs sober anymore
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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