sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Randomize
