Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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