I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
