I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize