New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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