I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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