I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
