Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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