The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
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