i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
smell my finger.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
