woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
