I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Randomize
