Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
