party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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