can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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